From People Pleaser to Self Advocate: The Power of Defining Boundaries

Years ago, I bought a house and filled my rooms with friends. It was a little brick bungalow with 4 bedrooms in total. My living area was upstairs, there were two rooms on the main floor, and one in the basement.

My, brother, and two friends moved in. One of the friends was someone I worked with at a very large restaurant. He was a server and I was a bartender.

While on a ski trip, he broke a bone in his ankle. Because of his limited mobility, he could no longer serve tables. Lucky for him, they liked him and made him a manager to accommodate the situation.

He happily took on this new situation, but this is when things got weird.

At the time, he was young and didn’t embody the leadership qualities he needed to carry out the position. He was reticent to give instructions to the bartenders and so this increasingly became my responsibility.

Over time, my coworkers started asking why this became my responsibility.

The situation made me uncomfortable and I also felt it was unfair. I didn’t receive a pay raise for my new responsibilities and felt the situation becoming further complicated.

I didn’t say anything, at first, because I didn’t know how to effectively set boundaries. I often allowed situations to go too far, impeding my personal limits. After that happened, I reacted in a way that was emotional and unfair to the other person.

Coming from a home where boundaries were not taught, or really even permitted, I learned to stuff my emotions and basically be a doormat. It was miserable for everyone involved.

It took me way too long to realize that boundaries are a healthy, necessary part of relationships and I don’t need to feel bad for having them.

I can actually improve my relationships by having and honoring boundaries.

We can improve our relationships by defining and communicating our boundaries.

Boundaries are actually a gift for others and this is why:

• Prevent Resentment: By honoring each other’s limits, we sidestep resentment, making sure everyone feels heard and valued.

• Foster Mutual Respect: Boundaries are a two-way street of mutual respect, celebrating our differences and individual needs.

• Maintain Independence: Healthy boundaries encourage independence by allowing individuals to maintain their own identity, interests, and values within a relationship.

• Improve Communication: Open, honest conversations about boundaries can actually bring us closer, making our connections stronger and more genuine.

• Reduce Conflict: They clear up what’s acceptable and what’s not, lowering the chances of misunderstandings and unnecessary drama.

• Support Personal Growth: Boundaries allow for personal growth and self-discovery by ensuring individuals have the space and freedom to explore their own dreams and interests.

• Build Trust: Showing we respect each other’s boundaries lays a strong foundation of trust, essential for any solid relationship.

There are many good reasons for utilizing boundaries for improving relationships so why would somone choose not to?

Becoming a people pleaser is a learned response. We turn to this behavior for self preservation, for safety.

Many of us grew up in a home in which it felt unsafe to express our needs and desires. It felt unsafe to express our boundaries even.

This doesn’t only happen in situations of abuse.

It happens in everyday situations where a child feels they may be rejected for their preferences.

In historical times, being banished from the tribe could mean life or death.

As humans, we react in ways to protect our safety, even if they are not useful in today’s circumstances.

This is an engrained response to the perceived danger that being rejected from the group brings.

We have the ability to change this automatic response with focus and practice.

Because I like to give actionable knowledge in these posts, I will start with how to set boundaries.

1. Self-Reflection

• Identify Needs: Consider what you need emotionally, physically, and mentally to feel respected, safe, and comfortable.
• Recognize Limits: Understand your limits by reflecting on past experiences that made you feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or overwhelmed.

2. Define Boundaries

• Be Specific: Clearly define the boundaries you need to set based on your self-reflection. These could be related to your time, space, energy, emotional needs, or physical touch.
• Prioritize: Determine which boundaries are non-negotiable and which ones you might be flexible about.

3. Communicate Clearly

• Use “I” Statements: Express your boundaries by focusing on your feelings and needs. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have time to myself. I need to ensure I have quiet time each evening.”
• Be Direct and Honest: Avoid hinting or being vague. Clearly state what you need.

4. Implement Boundaries

• Start Small: If setting boundaries is new for you, start with smaller, easier-to-enforce boundaries as practice.
• Be Consistent: Consistency reinforces the seriousness of your boundaries. Inconsistent enforcement can lead to confusion and disrespect.

5. Manage Responses

• Prepare for Pushback: Not everyone will respond positively to your boundaries. Prepare yourself emotionally to handle resistance.
• Stay Firm: Reaffirm your boundaries if they are challenged. Remember, it’s okay to say no to protect your well-being.

6. Practice Self-Care

• Reinforce Positively: Acknowledge and reward yourself for setting and maintaining boundaries. This could be through self-care activities or simply recognizing your own courage.
• Seek Support: If you find it difficult to set or maintain boundaries, seek support from friends, family, or a professional who can provide guidance and encouragement.

7. Adjust as Needed

• Review Regularly: Life changes, and so do your needs. Periodically review your boundaries to see if they still serve your well-being or if they need adjustment.
• Communicate Changes: If your boundaries change, communicate these changes to the relevant people in your life.

By following this framework, you can effectively set and maintain boundaries that protect your well-being and improve your relationships.

Remember, setting boundaries is a skill that gets easier with practice and is essential for your mental and emotional health.

Take the time to sit with yourself and think about where some changes need to occur in your home, work, or community and start with what feels managable now.

Take care,

Jennifer

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Disclaimer: Please note that this article is intended to provide general information and inspiration. While it offers valuable insights, it’s essential to remember that it’s not a substitute for professional advice or therapy.